Keeping on when you're not calm

In my last post I reflected on what it means to think we are avoiding risk and when the risky thing is maybe the opposite of what we think it is - after all, sometimes there is a real cost to be borne when we choose to avoid the scary, uncomfortable thing. And so it leads to the conclusion that if the perfect time never exists and we risk major pain or loss by not pursuing the thing that is calling to us, well, then, we better get going. 

This philosophy has served me well and allowed life to unfold in ways that I couldn’t have imagined better for myself. But, and there is a but - and it may be obvious - it’s not only hard to do the uncomfortable thing, but it’s even harder to sustain the uncomfortable thing, especially if your nervous system is not fully on board. 

You see, our brain’s major directive is keeping us safe and it knows best how to do it via what is known and comfortable. If a new thing we want to try doesn’t feel safe, even if we can see how it will directly and positively impact our lives, it sets off all the bells and whistles and proceeds to go all out to bring us back into the safety of our old beliefs and patterns, even if they are holding us back or keeping us small. 

While I’ve trained myself over the years to become more comfortable being uncomfortable, a couple months ago I walked to the edge of that tolerance and very nearly teetered off. I was tired, it all felt hard, and I was fried. 

I took a week to myself and turned off the meetings, inputs, and demands of my daily schedule. In the ensuing quiet I could see that some old beliefs had snuck in, creating a false sense of urgency which kicked off an old subconscious program that literally brought me into fight or flight mode. No wonder I felt so cooked. If we’re not careful, the lack of safety and discomfort - even in a thing we are enjoying exploring- can boomerang us backwards and close us off from the very possibilities we’ve been creating for ourselves. 

We’re often told to just “face our fears” and dive in “headfirst.” Sometimes this works because your subconscious mind can update its information in real time when it literally finds out the deep end of the pool isn’t life threatening and just because we can’t stand doesn’t mean we can’t swim and stay afloat. However, more often than not, when it comes to the kinds of anxiety and stress that fuel our difficulty to speak up in meetings, give the big speech, hit share on our first post, or send our first newsletter there is a deeper web of programming that is ringing the alarm bells and inhibiting our growth. 

As both a coach and through personal experience, over the years I’ve had a front seat to when fear takes the wheel and wants to drive us back to where we started even when, deep down, we want to keep going on our journey. What I’ve learned, and what I now teach, is that, at these moments, it comes down to coming back to our heart energy, where we are guided by love, purpose and connection to our higher self, along with creating and rebuilding a sense of grounding and safety within the mind and body that increases our tolerance for what will be unknown and unfamiliar. 

These days, this is what the toolbox looks like for me: 

1. Like I did in September, I rest. I turn off the inputs and embrace the quiet, or sometimes very gentle and higher frequency sound or music that help me restore, heal, and turn on my ability to listen deep within. 
2. I walk and lift to get back into my body and take advantage of the ensuing endorphins to lift me up and reconnect with my body. 
3. I restrict what I’m consuming to content that resonates with my “why.” Whether it’s shows, podcasts, or old courses, I allow myself to be immersed in energy that aligns with my deeper desires so I can feel that spark again. While sometimes this does involve the couch and netflix, it’s definitely not anything full of drama or noise (sorry, reality TV!). 
4. When I’m ready, I look into what exactly is causing the lack of safety and panic in my body. What do I believe to be true? What past experience have I not yet healed from? Where am I missing the bigger picture?
5. I work with my coaches, teachers, and therapists to get out of my own head and help me resolve the old hurt and trauma. While I know myself to be a deeply capable healer, I am very honest about when I am stuck and no longer the best resource for myself. 
6. I support my nervous system through affirmations, meditations, and a lot of tapping (emotional freedom technique) until I have turned down the dial on the fear and discomfort. 

The combinations of tools look different in different seasons and, of course, depend on exactly what is coming up at this time, but ultimately this is what brings me back to myself.

I think it’s important to note that this work doesn’t make the scary things feel easy right away. In fact, a lot of the time they still feel hard and uncomfortable, but through these steps I enter now a place where I understand that this is a momentary challenge for me but I feel grounded and safe enough to accept it and work with it so I can move forward and do the thing. Once I’m back in the process of doing it and being the person who is consistently showing up, that is often when the difficulty begins to ease up and it becomes something less and less scary over time, ultimately becoming familiar. 

So much of the good stuff is on the other side of hard and uncomfortable, and sometimes there will be moments for white knuckling through it all but after all this time I know that there are gentler, more aware, and more intentional ways to support ourselves on our way to creating more possibility and real momentum. If you take anything away from these words please know that you are enormously capable of doing hard things, you can and deserve to be supported through it, and the world will be a better place because you fully stepped into your authenticity and growth. 

Reflections

• Over the past year, did you find yourself able to step the threshold into new and uncomfortable growth moments or do you find yourself habitually shying away?
• What is something that you know will support your long-term ambitions but feels scary to do?
• Knowing now that it is possible to lovingly guide yourself through the difficult and unknown, what are the ways that you can make space and support yourself so that you can increase your capacity to experience discomfort and still keep going?